Samalamadingong (samalamadingong) wrote,

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A better view of the rising moon

Clark (or other name),
 I never imagined we'd end up here, like this, separated by your wants and my expectations. This ordeal is not what I wanted. I was busy building a future and a family that I didn't notice until too late you were looking for an escape route. Seeing you again after high school, I thought we had the opportunity for an amazing relationship. I knew the moment my eyes met yours, that you would be someone important and pivotal in my life. I mistook that for you being my ultimate love. I'm disappointed in the situation and in you. I allowed myself to be used and that has left me feeling somewhat humiliated.
Stepping back, I do hope you become the man you want to be, on the path you feel is correct. As hurt and heartbroken as I am on the future we'll never have, I want the best for you. I don't, at this moment, see you reaching for that. Flirting with girls who've come back into your life before you've convinced your girlfriend to do the dirty work is a little insulting. I didn't know reaching for God and the woman you think you should spend the rest of your life with included the things it does. I haven't seen you make the effort to do the hard work. Being alone and doing things on your own is scary and difficult, but so fulfilling. You're missing out.
I do have to thank you for showing me the woman I can be. I know we weren't perfect for each other and I know being apart is the correct decision, even though I think we could have made it work and well. But right now, I'm ready to start doing something with my life. To surround myself with positive people and push forwards. To start writing again. Who knows, maybe you'll go through the bookstore and see me on the back cover. I need to thank you for letting me know that I can be graceful under pressure, and in the end, not be a push over. To be firm without the intent to harm.
I want us to be friends in the future someday. To be able to see you, as you, and not as the boy who doesn't know what he let get away.
I know you've already moved on and that this would make no difference to you. I know you still want me in your life in some capacity, but I'm not going to sit back in watch. If you fail, I'll want to help. If you succeed, I may feel bad that I'm not succeeding with you. Instead, I'm going to move in a different direction and make sure I learn from this experience. I deserve better than you gave me. I know you have it to give, as you've told me time and time again, but your friends deserve better than what I was given. I hope you realize the important people in your life, and how supportive they can be. I hope you surround yourself with the things and people you need to be happy and content. And I hope that our paths cross down the road. I also know, by then, I'll be over wanting you to regret this decision and the moment that led to where we are at this very moment.
Sincerely, with best wishes,
A new me
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